Lord, what is going on? - August 29, 2004 entry

Lord, what is going on?
August 29, 2004

Precious Lord,

Sweet, sweet Lord, help me! I do not know what is going on. Right now I am home, in the prayer room. I just felt so restless at church, so discontented. I felt the reason why I was there, at church, was out of obligation more than anything else. For the past month or so I have not felt refreshed leaving those doors after the service. What is wrong with me, Lord? I asked Billy to join me in the prayer room so I could tell him how I was feeling.
Bless his heart, he told me I needed to come home, go into the prayer room and spend time with You. He said I needed to be with You and that my service is to You first. Yes, Lord, yes, that is my heart's desire, to be with You, to serve You, to bless You. Lord, I feel as if my heart is breaking. What is going on? Once again I feel as if my understanding of Your Word falls so short. I can see why there are so many different denominations - it all depends where in Your Word they want to focus! Father, I know You didn't want us to be divided as we now are. Jesus, I believe You came so that we could be united with the Father and have the Word written upon our hearts so that we could walk by the Holy Spirit which died in Adam because of sin and was restored to us through Christ Jesus! By Your Spirit, Holy One, not by our mere understanding of Who You Are and what Your Word says but by knowing You and Your will for our lives. Lord, I feel like many have been walking off-track at times, being led by the good intentions of those Who read Your Word and gleamed from it what they understood rather than from a place of revelation and relationship with You. I count myself to be one of these. Walking in head knowledge rather than that which is spirit truth. But how do we obtain spiritual truth? I look at Bible Rock and I know their heart is to seek You out, to do Your will. So why am I restless there now? Is it just something You are working on in me??? Teach me what I need to know, oh Holy One, I pray! I am aware of my weaknesses and frailties. I need My Good Shepherd to led me for I am a sheep, not smart enough to walk the right path without Your help! How many times have I thought I had a good understanding of Your Written Word only to find it wasn't accurate, or it was incomplete, or flavored by man? Lord, I believe You just settled me now so I could hear the song that is playing on the CD player:

I feel like Moses
Facing the Red Sea
Or the disciples looking out
On the multitude to feed.

Lord, I've followed You to far
To think of turning back
It all seems so impossible
Unless I face the fact

If it's gonna get done
You're gonna have to do it
Then this world will come

To see Your power through it
Father I trust You
I believe it's true
If it' s gonna get done
It's gonna have to come from You

Here in the corner
With my back against the wall
I'm just a prisoner of habit
When worry comes to call

I know miracles to You
Are the commonplace
But You'll have to pardon me
If I stand here amazed

What a thrill
When this world can see
It's not something that I did for You,
But something that You did through me.
(written by: Lowell Alexander, Dave Clark, Don Koch & Tony Wood)

Lord, You are incredible! I do stand in awe of You, that You can speak to us any way You choose - not only through Your Written Word but in other ways as well, such as through this song! Yes, Lord, I believe that is what we need to know, "If it's gonna get done, You're gonna have to do it!" I think we have focused too much on "self', searching for the reasons whey we have not seen things happening in our lives and in the world, thinking if we do something different, things will change and Your glory will come. Surely we must need to "do this" or "do that", we must be failing here or there. Oh, Lord, what a vain search when we strive to accomplish something only You can do! We must keep our eyes upon You, trust You to fulfill the promises in Your Word. Your Word says that we have "Christ in us, the hope of glory." This is the great mystery written of in Colossians 1:25-27. You, Father, in Christ in us. Hallelujah! My focus should no longer be in my capabilities but of His capabilities that is in me! Your Spirit lives and abides in us through Christ Jesus. I can do nothing of myself but through Christ Jesus I can do all things (Philippians 4: 13)! I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37). So it should not be about me, my weaknesses, etc., but about Christ in me, the hope of glory!

Lord, You have led me to Galatians. Let me start at Galatians 2:19 through 3:5: "for it was through reading the scripture that I came to realize that I could never find God's favor by trying - and failing- to obey the laws. I came to realize that acceptance with God comes by believing in Christ. I have been crucified with Christ: and I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. And the real life I now have within this body is a result of trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and give Himself for me. I am not one of those who treats Christ's death as meaningless. For if we could be saved by keeping Jewish laws, then there was no need for Christ to die. Oh, foolish Galatians! What magician has hypnotized you and cast an evil spell upon you? For you used to see the meaning of Jesus Christ's death as clearly as though I had waved a placard before you with a picture on it of Christ dying on the cross. Let me ask you this question: Did you receive the Holy Spirit by trying to keep Jewish laws? No, of course not. It is when you believe in Christ and fully trust Him."

Lord, now I will repeat the words You had me listen to in the song:

"If it's gonna get done
You're gonna have to do it
Then the world will come
To see Your power through it
Father I trust You
I believe it's true
If it's gonna get done
It's gonna have to come from You."

Yes, Lord, it's gonna have to come from You and not from my flesh. Even the changes that need to take place in this mortal body will not happen by my strength but by Your Spirit that dwells with me. Lord, apart from You I can do nothing of lasting value. Father, I believe You have given us a great gift in Your Son Jesus Christ. Help us to know You better through Him. Teach us to access Your Spirit that abides in us rather than trying to do things in our own strength.

Lord, last night I was reading Watchman Nee's book, "The Spiritual Man." It was not by accident that I should be reading Part Five, 'An Analysis of the Spirit" which states the difference between "knowing" and "understanding" in light of 1 John 2:20, 27, "you have been anointed by the Holy One, and you all know. . . .But the anointing which you received from him abides in you and you have no need that anyone should teach you; as His anointing teaches you about everything, and is true, and is no lie, just as it has taught you, abide in Him."

Watchman Nee goes on to explain "knowing" and "understanding", saying "We usually do not make a distinction between the difference between these two words; in spiritual matters, however, the difference between them is incalculable: the spirit "knows" while the mind "understands." A believer "knows" the things of God by the intuition of his spirit. Strictly speaking, the mind can merely "understand", it can never "know". Knowing is the work of intuition, understanding the task of the mind." (The Spiritual Man by Watchman Nee, page 73).

Watchman Nee went on to give further description on this but it really helped me because there have been times I have "known" things in the spirit rather than having an understanding of why it is so. Then there were times when I "understood" things being taught to me and now I can see where this 'understanding' came from the mind rather than God's spirit. Oh Lord, how we need to walk by Your Spirit and not by our flesh or mind!

Lord, I trust You will teach me, (and others who truly desire this) all I need to "know" as I trust in You with all my heart and lean not on mine own understanding, in all my ways acknowledging You, and You shall direct my paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Praise be unto You, oh Lord. All glory and honor is due You!

Desiring to be totally submitted to You, Joan