I talked to one of my close friends this week, and I told them that I didn't really want to go back to college because I was tired of most of the people being fake. Me, of all people to complain about that. I can honestly say that I am one that would fake it. If something was wrong between God and I, I pushed it away and ignored it. No more. I am tired of being the fake person that I was. There would be days, weeks that I wouldn't even talk to God! I wouldn't even acknowledge that I knew Him! Of course, He would come to mind when I knew that I was doing something wrong, but I would just push it to the back of my mind. No wonder I have been having a hard time grasping that He loves and forgive me. Our relationship has basically been nothing. I would occasionally go to Him, but then I would cut myself off by a thought that He didn't care, or that I had sinned so much and so badly that He would never take me back. An image of God pushing me away and turning His back to me would always come to mind. Ever since I have been home, so many things have changed about me. I have conformed to my family so much just by the way that I speak and act. I am tired of that! I don't want to be one of those fake Christians that annoy me so badly. Maybe they annoy me so badly because I see the same sin in them that I am haunted by! From here on out, I don't care if someone thinks that I am some over the top, crazy, Christian. I am not giving half of myself to Him. I am not witholding because I want to conform to society. No! No longer am I fake, and no longer is He going to only get pieces of me. He is getting all of me!
